Writing

I think I have the opposite of writers block.  There's too much.  Not things to put on here.  Personnal things. I just don't kow how to get it all out!  It's swimming around up there and attacking me at night!  Mind you, if i'm getting attacked during the night i'm sure glad it's with my own mind-words.

and another thing

some truths.
some days are still unbelievably hard.
last night when devons necklace got ripped off in the SNFU pit, i thought i'd lost it, and it felt like losing him all over again. 
it's amazing that in my life i've lost countless items- eyeglasses, wallets, phones, and never given them a second thought.  this necklace though- a nut from a cymbal on a chain, is my most valued posession.

i really have to figure out where the fuck i need to be living now too.

nerd alert!!!!

sooo, this one time i lost my iphone, which was worth about 500 dollars.
then i cried. 
the end.

alternative ending:
sooo then i got it back from a random stranger by meeting him in the dodgiest alley in vancouver (behind the carnegie) but it was busted.
then i cried.
the end.

alternativer ending:
sooo then the home button was broken, and i thought my phone had become a pretty paper weight but i found out if a jailbroke it and downloaded a program i might be able to salvage it.
and 6 hours later...
totally did.

i learned all sorts of things about jailbreaking and restoring, and springboards and eventually- nerd girl to the recue- i did  it!  and minus some sweet photos and special text messages (yes, those do exist), my phone is BETTER than it was before.

whatta a great ending.

the end.

for reals.

He Wolf.

i don't even know...

AW SHIT... HERE WE GO.

so, in a nutshell- north korea may or may not have torpedoed a south korean warship and killed 46 people.

(so not cool, north korea...or whoever actually did it.  rumours that it was an american ship are out there too...)

that clearly pissed south korea off, so they've taken all sorts of nasty pre war measures against north korea including halting transport and trade and using these to shout propaganda across the border. 

and you know why all this is happening?  THIS GUY. 

...

...

really?

GAGA'S GOING DOWN. (notinagoodway)

GET OUTTA MY FACE, GAGA.

i can't sleep.

for the first time in my life.

i shouldn't complain- i know. for years and years I've heard friends complain of painfully long nights, and sleepy days.

i didn't get it-until now.

why is it, that in months when i am physically and mentally exhausted, I'm not sleeping?

me- the girl who falls asleep mid party?! mid drink? mid conversation?

last night i woke up from a glorious 2 hours of sleep to a full volume dance-party/lady gaga karaoke session/rooftop deck rave. it was as ugly as it sounds.

it was the rudest awakening since i was 21 and woke up to a sharpie cock on my face and pearl jam quotes on my ass.

anyway- I'm officially going to try melatonin, i hear it works wonders. and exercise.

..

and speaking of sharpies, look what these creative cats did with theirs!

get it?  they're MASKS.

ooooooh.

idk wtf this is, but i made it.

Etymologically Speaking...

I just "stumbled" onto this sweet word origins website and decided that my favourite word today is defnitely Berserk. (AKA: Bear shirt) (yes!)


Berserk most likely comes from the Old Icelandic "berserkr," meaning "bear shirt." This refers to Scandinavian warriors who wore, quite literally, bear shirts which they thought would render them invincible. I believe the Icelandic term evolves from Scandinavian, "bjorn sherkr," but I am not sure.
 
I have no way of verifying this info- but i want so badly to believe it's true!
 

The Nature, 2010

A few photos from a jaunt to beautiful porteau cove.

Working It Out

Never has the name of this blog been so appropriate as now.
I lost a dear friend two weeks ago, and I am struggling. 
I'm struggling with missing him,
with understanding why things happened the way they did,
with living. 
without him.
struggling to fill the hole in my heart left by his absence.

Now, if that sounds hopelessly depressing, it has been
but i am making progress.
working through it.
seeing blips of light and love in this darkness.

the tears still come in waves.
tsunami waves of emotion. 
of love.
of despair.
of longing.
of emptiness,
of
of
of...

i miss you too, devon.

Financial Woes...Woah!

The way i see it, I've never been that great with money.  It has always fallen in the same category as THINGS. I lose things.  Easily and often, because I truthfully just see them as stuff (a. Unspecified material, or b)Worthless objects).  This is both good (because i am not attached to material things) and terribly bad, (because sometimes the stuff i lose is very important to other people).  The common theme here though, is a lack of aknowledgement of VALUE.  To me, money is just money and there will always be enough one way or another, and THINGS are completely replaceable, because there will always be enough money, somewhere somehow to replace the things I have lost.  I have often lost things, because I don't acknowledge their value.
Wasteful cycle.
I'm getting to the bottom of it slowly though.

MISTAKES MISTAKES MISTAKES
When i was a kid, we didn't have a lot of money- so when I got my first job at 16- all I could think of was spreading the wealth with friends that didn't have it- because i knew how it felt to want. it also felt great to be able to help someone else- even if it meant i was left wanting again before long.

When i went traveling, i'd run out of money, and max out my $500 limit credit card.  i'd randomly keep trying it even though i knew it should be maxed, but it kept working.  Unbeknownst to me, my grandparents were getting the bills back home, and paying off the card.  They were trying to help, but it just strengthened that belief that money will always come from someone/somewhere when needed.  No value.

Then i went to school, with help from EI.  No student loans, just a minimal line of credit to help with odds and ends that EI didn't pay for- When school was done and it was time to pay off my line of credit- Grandma and grandpa, I'm embarrassed to say, decided to pay it off for me.  How could i say no?  Did I mention they also helped me buy me first vehicle, a scooter, and then bought be a brand new car for school. 
I was spoiled financially and it has ruined my outlook on money and how one ought to be with finances.

Making more money hasn't helped either. I have just bought whatever i wanted. because i have money in RSP's, and give to charity, i've lied to myself about my financial situation-in reality if I lost my job tomorrow, i'd be screwed if I didn't find a job straight away!   there is no "emergency fund" for mortgage payments and bills. 

I am airing this dirty laundry because i am making a vow to do something about this.  No more eating out 4 times/week.  no more buying all organic groceries.  no more shopping for new must have clothes.  or thrift shopping for that matter.  I HAVE SO MANY CLOTHES.  SOOOOOO MANY CLOTHES.

Truthfully- I don't even KNOW where all my money goes!  (Not gonna lie- beer probly plays a role in this mystery) So it is my first responsibility to write these things down.

wish me luck.

The Life I Can Save?

I recently read a book recommended to me by my longtime friend Nathan.  He's really a wonderful human being and sometimes he has interesting things to say, or at least can direct you to someone elses interesting things. 
The book he recommended is about donating to charity.  Specifically the who, what when where why and how of charitable donations.  It is called "The Life You Can Save", written by Peter Singer.

There it is!  I signed a pledge today. Through their website To donate at least 1% of my income this year.  Believe me, it's not a lot, and hopefully it will do some good in this world.  Just a lil bit.  :)
I've decided to donate the rest of this years quota to The Central Asia Institute.  I'm not gonna lie, i think their name sounds dodgy- but it's a wonderful charity.  Greg Mortensen ('Stones into Schools') And his team are truly shaping the future of Pakistan and Afghanistan by building schools in remote central asian areas

"Peace and Hope Begin With Education: One Child At A Time

Central Asia Institute is a 501(c)3 non-profit organization with the mission to promote and support community-based education, especially for girls, in remote regions of northern Pakistan and Afghanistan. "
- Central Asia Institute

I dig it. 

Guess Who finally Drank The Olympic Punch?

Well, well well. Look who's back after a month of hellish work weeks, ACTUAL weekends off, and whole lotta 180 degree opinions on the Olympics. I've done it. i drank the punch and I liked it. i liked it so much that not only do i want more, i readily admit how wrong i was to doubt it's incredible qualities, and even urge others to have a drink.
The crowds... are incredible.  Everyone is happy, and wonderfully foreign. People are using transit, and one can only imagine that once they realize how easy it was they will continue to ride it. The streets look cleaner than ever each morning after looking like crap the night before. Pubs are everywhere. People of all backgrounds are on the same Canadian team, and proudly wearing their Canadian colours. I've witnessed the best hockey playing of my life, and we're not even at the Gold Medal game yet.
It HAS cost a lot of money, and most likely, after the olympics, financial support for sport will dwindle once again, and no one will care until we do poorly in medal counts in 2014 (Sochi!). Sad but true. I'll put money on it.
I have taken VERY few photos of my olympic wanderings, but here are a couple:
Me at Grouse: (I randomly decided to spend an afternoon helping out up there... they REALLY didn't need me but it was beautiful)

Me being HI-larious with Kevin:

The flame, in all it's Glory at The convention centre. (there was a 45 min line to see it up close.  I passed.  )

 

Me trying  failing to make a heart out of my olympic mitts

  

 That's really it in a nutshell.

Some other things that have been on my mind as of late.
Eva
Sewing
Baking
Babies
Love
Love
Love
Family
New Westminster!  I love my city!
Now back to Eva.

She was not doing very well for awhile there, and everyday i check her blog, hoping to read that her pager has gone off and she's getting the transplant.  She posted this post o n Feb 11th saying she was near the end of the road.  it broke my heart, but opened it and the same time.   i'm not the only one.  Since then there have been literally thousnds of posts in support of her and her loved ones.
Anyhow, I'll post more about the other things another day. 
xox

...ON LOSING MY EVERYTHING

i have a serious problem. i am a perpetual loser... of things. i am a trusting individual, and tend to leave my things unattended in places i shouldn't.
i'm especially amazing at losing 2 things: my glasses, and my wallet.
i usually get them back, but not this time. my wallet was stolen from a pub in abbotsford, and i'm absolutely sure i'm not getting it back.
it's really sad for me. i can't even imagine finding a wallet and NOT returning it to its rightful owner. WHAT IS WRONG with the person who found mine?! seriously! she needs her head examined. (i say "she" with certainty because i left my wallet in the ladies washroom)
i know it's completely my fault that i'm now without any id, banks card/visa/discount cards, but i can't help but be a little angry that anyone would be so dishonest.
i guess i need to grow up.
bah.

i should mention though, that the rest of the evening was wonderful; filled with great food, and amazing friends.
xox

how much is enough?

i gave what i can afford to the redcross to help the relief efforts in haiti. a measly hundred bux. i know every dollar helps, i really know that, so why don't i feel good about helping? because i'm not there?
giving money just doesn't seem like enough. if i give more money will i feel better about what i'm doing for them?
it may be the whole "helping the masses" concept- where they say people are more likely to donate to a cause if they can put a face to the person they are helping...
i am experiencing this lack of connection with these people for the first time. i assume other people are feeling this as well, and hope that they are not a lot less likely to donate.
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW...

afghanistan

i have nothing intelligent to say on this matter, other than i've come to a new personnal level of sadness regarding afghanistan, and our involvment over there. i work in news and am therefore very aware of each canadian soldier who loses their life. i see the pain of their families in each repatriation ceremony.
when i started my job, in local tv news 3 years ago, the canadian death toll in afghanistan was 78. as of today, it's 138. we report on a lot of ugly things, but most of the time i am able to filter it out.
not any more. each time i hear of another i.e.d. taking a soliders life, i am overcome with sadness and tears for their families. for the tragedy of young lives lost. it's been 9 years since the taliban regime fell, and 8 years since canadas ever increasing role in afghanistan started taking lives. harper has called for most candian soldiers to be out of afghanistan by 2011- which is a relief to me. i am curious to hear the thoughts of the soldiers themselves. will they be happy to come home? satisfied with canadas role in building a democratic afghan nation?

on losing my eye glasses

the funny thing about losing your glasses, is that it's especially hard to find them again, being at a loss of sight and all...
ha.